


I lay in tears in bed all night (alone without you by my side)

by PrettyBrownEyes



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Cancer, Feel free to hate me, I have No Excuse, I'm so sorry, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-04
Updated: 2015-03-04
Packaged: 2018-03-16 09:12:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3482645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrettyBrownEyes/pseuds/PrettyBrownEyes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"When you go into the ER, one of the first things they ask you to do is rate your pain on a scale of one to ten, and from there they decide which drugs to use and how quickly to use them. I'd been asked this question hundreds of times over the years, and I remember once early on when I couldn't get my breath and it felt like my chest was on fire, flames licking the inside of my ribs fighting for a way to burn out of my body, my parents took me to the ER. A nurse asked me about the pain, and I couldn't even speak, so I held up nine fingers.</p><p>Later, after they'd given me something, the nurse came in and was kind of stroking my head while she took my blood pressure and said, "You know how I know you're a fighter? You called a ten a nine."</p><p>But that wasn't quite right. I called it a nine because I was saving my ten. And here it was, the great and terrible ten, slamming me again and again, as I lay still and alone in my bed staring at the ceiling, the waves tossing me against the rocks then pulling me back out to sea so they could launch me again into the jagged face of the cliff, leaving me floating faceup on the water, undrowned.” -John Green, The Fault In Our Stars</p><p>Title taken from All I Want by Kodaline<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	I lay in tears in bed all night (alone without you by my side)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Unholy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unholy/gifts).



> Gifted to Marlon BECAUSE OF THE PAIN SHE CAUSES ME

Luke knocks softly on the frame of the open door, rousing Michael from his slumber. "Hey," says Luke. Michael smiles at him. "Shut the door, will you?" 

Luke enters the room, shutting the door gently behind him and slowly walking over to the bed and sitting on the end. "Hello, love," whispers Luke, sliding underneath the sheets and smiling at Michael. Michael then notices, despite the small smile on his face, Luke’s eyes are shining with tears. 

“Stop that,” Michael tells him, as he swipes under Luke’s eyes with his thumb.  
“I can’t help it,” Luke whispers. Trembling, Luke places his hand on Michael’s waist under the too-big t-shirt he stole from Luke. A shiver runs through him, and his heartbeat speeds up. Luke smiles at him. "I love you so much." Michael waits a while to speak up. “I love you too. But I have no time left.” Luke lets out a choked sob.

“I know.” And that hits him like a brick wall. Michael doesn’t want him to know. He wants Luke to stay naive and not worry about it. That makes it harder for him. Harder for him to let go and to be able to stay strong until the very end, for Luke.  
Luke’s crying, now. He can’t help himself. He knows Michael hates it because he thinks it’s his fault. It kind of is, in a way. But not really. It’s all Luke, all in his head that he won’t be able to move on without Michael.  
“If I had any time left,” Michael begins, “I would spend it with you. I would turn back the clock so I could spend every hour of every day with you until I have to go.”

Luke closes his eyes. “I’m not going to be able to go on without you. Every time I wake up it’s going to be a reminder that you’re gone. I’m not going to be able to leave my  
house because everything reminds me of you. I don’t want to be without you.” He murmurs this all into Michael’s skin, which is warm but won’t be in a day.  
Michael pets Luke’s hair again. “You don’t mean that, love. You judgement is off; it’s the grief getting to you. I promise you’ll be okay. If you can’t be okay, please just try to be okay for me. I want you to be okay.”

Luke lifts his head up and drops it against the pillows and strokes Michael’s hair softly. Five months ago, it had all fallen out from treatment. But when they found out he was terminal, they stopped treatment, and his soft, blonde locks have grown back in. They’re rather plain compared to the rainbow-colored hair he sported before the diagnosis, but it feels the same as it did before.

Luke places a gentle kiss to Michael’s forehead. He moves his way down and kisses his lips softly.  
"It's okay to let go."  
And with those words, Michael knows that Luke will be okay. He knows that he can let go and it's going to be alright.  
Michael squeezes Luke as hard as his frail body will allow. Luke hugs him tight to his chest.

"I love you," Michael whispers out.

"I love you more," Luke says.

"I love you most."

With his last words, Michael kisses Luke, and Michael's eyes slip shut in what Luke hopes is heavenly bliss.

__________________________________________________________________

It's been two weeks, now. Two weeks since his only love died. One week since the funeral. Zero days since he stopped missing him.

He remember when he left the Michael's house. He got in his car and turned on all the songs that reminded him of his boy and he drove. He didn't come home for three days.

He remembers when they hung out with all of his friends and played hockey in the street at his house.

He remembers the first time he stayed over and how he always had a little pile of his clothes at the end of Michael’s bed because he always left a few things.

He remembers making jokes about the diagnosis to make both of them feel better. It didn't work.

He remembers when he planned to surprise her with the Good Charlotte concert tickets for Mikey’s birthday. The birthday he never had. 

And as he lays in his bed now, wishing Mikey was still here, he remembers all the times he should have loved him better.

**Author's Note:**

> I'M SO SORRY


End file.
